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The Lunatic Gazette
Star Chronicle Journal Times
Issue #2009 Year of The Obam
Underling Archives are stored in TLG Chronicles
a small magazine deconstructing reality and
seeking sanity in all the wrong places
in association with fellow travellers such as
mytown.ca germination.net magmixtv.com edzart.org

Wild Mountain Thyme by The Silencers

Autumn Leaves by Chet Baker, Paul Desmond,
Hubert Laws, Bob James, Ron Carter and Steve Gadd

Harvest Moon by Leon Redbone

That's Alright Obama by Bowser and Blue

I Don't Want Your Millions by the Almanac Singers

The Lunatic Chronicles
Everything old is new again...

Obama: Prince of the New Age Empire
by Archibald Ismyname

18 November 2008: Some say politics is a blood sport and it may just be that Obama understands this implicitly. With Clinton and Rahm and Lieberman and an expressed intent to appoint an actual Republican to his Cabinet we may well see Obama send a message to Israel that its time for a Palestinian state to be formed just as Israel itself was formed by an agreement among international powers after WW2. Obama may in fact be America's first Machiavellian President. First he gathers his opponents close, where he can see them and command their loyalty, and then has them do the political deeds he would not be able to accomplish directly by himself.

30 years ago some Democrats made the worst Kool-Aid commercial ever, let us prey...
by Shimmy Jones, Jr.

11 November 2008: In most of the known universe November 11th is either Remembrance Day or Armistice Day. It commemorates the end of the war that was supposed to end all wars aka World War One. Of course it did not become known as World War One until there was a World War Two. That "one" was also known back then as The Great War. I think they meant great in the sense of bigness not the same way we think of a great party.
And speaking of great parties whatever happened to John McCain? If memory serves it wasn't that long ago he was spear heading a Grand Old Party in some kind of race for something. Well that's his problem I guess.
Remembrance Day aka Armistice Day commemorates the end of that Great War back in 1918 -- just ninety short years ago. Of course we've had some real shit kicking great wars since then but we humans still use that one as the core memorial to the dead and the dismembered. Personally I like to think of it as Dismemberment Day or, more properly Dismembrance Day.

How many illusions can one country handle
by Quincy B. Goode

5 November 2008: A New York Times headline read "Vaulting the Racial Divide, Obama Persuaded Americans to Follow" and I must beg to differ. At the same moment America and its mass media proclaim this and that about colour and racism and history it is clear the Obama campaign was the most expensive in the history of American electoral politics. Obama raised more and spent more than anyone in any previous campaign.
So Tuesday in America was not about responding to black or brown - it was about responding to the green, the moolah, the loot. At a time when America and the world face perhaps the greatest financial con game in the history of humanity we saw democracy go to the highest bidder. That's not new. That's very, very old.

Hillary is very disappointed in Diebold but declines to seek a recount - Obama wins
by John Doe

5 November 2008: Off the top I'd like to say that John McCain evidently has more class than most of his supporters. His concession speech was decent and honorable. His supporters in Phoenix, Arizona did not know what to make of it. That's a sad indication of the difficulty facing America between now and Inauguration Day. More than anything else we owe John McCain a debt of gratitude for not letting Sarah Palin speak. This was not a night for her to rant about socialist muslims... but that time will come soon. I looked into her eyes and I felt the simmering anger in the crowd... they are not done by a long shot.

Heaven Can Wait!! Lunatic Gazette calls it for Clinton!! Stunning defeat for McCain & Obama...
by Winston Churchall

4 November 2008: We told you not to count Hillary out before the final polls were closed. While the world watched Obama dance circles around the old guy with the weird growth on his face Hillary and Bill Clinton continued to work hard where it counts. While McCain googled and goggled and moggled and spoggled at his new young thang Hillary invested her millions in Diebold shares and coasted to a landslide victory that not even the New York Times could have imagined. Here at TLG Election Centre we are confident in our prediction that America has just elected its first ever female President.

Obama would surge more troops to Afghanistan but Palin would dress them way cuter
by Rupert Murdokk

23 October 2008: So much buzz on the net about the $150,000.00 make over of the Alaskan Governor. Doesn't it all just make America seem shallow and unfeeling? What do they want? A vice-presidential candidate who wears simple, rustic Alaskan outfits? C'mon folks get a grip. You never heard any big poop about England's Diana and $150K would've been pocket change for that babe.
An empire needs a cinderella to dance with the prince and its only in disney that some lesbian godmother waves a magic wand and poofs up some swanky duds. And as for those squeaky clean little Democritters who're wailing and moaning about whether the $150K was an illegal campaign expense -- they gotta get over that too! Those whiners would spend that much on a couple of hammers and ash trays for the Pentagon and not blink a constitutional amendment.

Patterson phones it in to Man Ur Lifeboats Reunion 2008
by Henrietta Bundlebuggy

22 October 2008: So Bruce 1 called Bruce 2 on the phone and said, "It's time." Bruce 2 nodded as if Bruce 1 were in front of him and called a meeting of the Man Ur Lifeboats Reunion 2008 organizing committee.
Everybody already knew (Underling fans know many things some of which are quite obscure as is common in the best of secret societies) but they gathered anyway -- not so much out of fear of Bruce Power as out of respect and love for everything Bruce. There were tears and there was laughter.

Note, the rest of this is confidential so please do not click to read...

The Professor ain't going easy; Dion tells Bob Ray to pick up his own damn soap
by Simon Sez

21 October 2008: Stephane Dion finally found his feet, stood up straight and gave his Liberal Party of Canada a good knee between the Ray and Ignatieff nuts. They wanted him to resign today and step aside. They had an interim replacement in mind and all the mainstream media had the name John McCallum on the tip of their hyperlinks.
This would have cleared the way for Bob Ray and Michael Ignatieff to perform in The House while organizing their leadership campaigns for the Liberals national convention next May. And the media as usual was touting Frank McKenna as the one to watch.

Obama welcomes Powell to his team; Cactus Jack chews me out
by Sugarpie Hunnybun

20 October 2008: Woke up this morning to radio news reports that Barack Obama is open to General Colin Powell serving his administration at a cabinet level or as a special advisor. I think its safe to say this answers any questions there might have been about America's upcoming presidential election actually heralding a significant regime change. Then I arrived "at work" to discover an angry memo from the little pisspot who runs mytown (a certain Mr. Senior Editor). Well perhaps angry is a bit strong.

They say Dion will quit but I smell green shift
by Elizabeth Maybe-Knot

20 October 2008: They all say that Liberal Party of Canada leader Stephane Dion will resign this afternoon. They say the knives are out to take him down if he does not do himself. They say former Ontario premier Bob Raze and strange man Michael Ignatieff are ready to lock horns again in their bid to become Canada's next Liberal prime minister. They say that former premier of New Brunswick and Canada's former Ambassador to the United States Frank McKenna will be tempted to step over Raze and Iggy to actually take over the reins of the disintegrating Liberal machine.

Understanding that Francophone sense of humour... show me the money, honey
by Alice Greenback

20 October 2008: So President Sarkozy is dancing a dance George Bush can't get the hang of at all. He's calling for a series of international meetings to redesign capitalism. The first one is to be held in New York City, hosted by President George W. Bush. And Bush has agreed!
Sarkozy says the first of these international meetings should be in NYC because that's where the current financial debacle began. And W will be there to host his own roast. The man has no clue of the sense of humour which survives outside America.

GENERAL POWELL THOUGHT SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION & THINKS BARACK HUSSEIN WILL BE A BETTER PRESIDENT THAN McCAIN
by Sugarpie Hunnybun

19 October 2008: Take, for example, the latest big news in some circles. General Colin Powell, a long time Republican and faithful servant of the Bush/Cheney regime, has endorsed Barack Obama for President of Them There United States of America. All sorts of politically active Americans (left and right) are in a tizzy about this. General Powell was the Bush mouthpiece who lied through his teeth to Congress and to the United Nations. America was able to legitimize (to a degree) its invasion of Iraq, its regime change, and its execution of Saddam Hussein largely because General Powell sold his honour, his integrity, his uniform and his medals to the blood for oil regime.

LOOKING BACK, LOOKING FORWARD,
SKATEBOARDING ON LAKE ONTARIO
by Bruce Patterson, President, Man Ur Lifeboats Society

16 October 2008: Soon I'll lay me down to sleep - but not yet. Still figuring out how to get this wheelchair to twist and shout. Missing hearing the folks hollering Man Ur Lifeboats and Underling rules.... although watching my Magpie skateboarding on Lake Ontario keeps me kicking back with a big grin. She's getting quite proficient -- those who knew her back in the daze know she can dance on a dime any time.... twist or fox trot, waltz or rhumba she had the moves.

MAJOR CAR CRASH NARROWLY AVERTED, EVERYBODY'S SMILING NOW
by Chevy Ford III

15 October 2008: General Motors, which used to be a mainstay of the North American economy is sucking its own exhaust pipe. Things have been so bad they've been negotiating for a merger with Ford, the original crunchy. Given the finger by Ford the GM folks are now deep into a fiddle with Chrysler.
What's happened to the world of See the USA in your Chevrolet? Well it seems while all the attention has been going to the banks, the insurance companies and the stock markets there's been a major crash coming in the auto industry. Sales are down, plants are closing and now profit margins have disappeared. The auto giants are hurting and they're looking for the same kind of social assistance being offered to the financiers.

BRITISH SOCIALISTS SAVE CAPITALIMS ONE MORE TIME: HOSANNA IN EXCELIS
by Frankenstein Capra, PhD

14 October 2008: Far be it from me to gloat but gloat I must. That little mouse in the white house is squeaking with all his might. Just when he had given up all hope of being saved another British Prime Minister has stepped forward to show George the light. Mighty Mouse Gordon Brown has shown the way to nationalize without nationalizing -- a truly wondrous feat of magic by Britland's version of almost but not quite socialism.
And America is following the social list point by bloody point. (1) Take the people's money (nothing new there so there's limited risk); (2) Buy non-voting shares in the worst of the corporate money-lenders and speculators; (3) Attach no real strings nor binding conditions which might dampen the creativity of the financiers; and (4) watch the stock markets bungee jump back into health, wealth and happiness.

G7 HANGS G-STRING ON INTERNATIONAL FINANCE: BIG FLUSH, NO BLUSH
by Wilbur F. Duckley, Jr. the IV

11 October 2008: First off let me urge you to ignore my non-existent credentials. The world is full of experts scrambling to explain the current financial crisis. They all have credentials and we have all seen how much good that's done. So I'm thinking its time for a total incompetent without any credentials and a truly nebulous grip on reality to speak out. If money is the root of all evil let it be known that "we the people" are definitely being saddled with the lesser of all evil.
With my lack of expertise I firmly believe I am well positioned to make more sense of what's going on than most of those I've been reading. Those of you who do not believe that are welcome to leave your brains in the hands of the experts.

WORST STOCK MARKET CRASH IN FIVE YEARS OR JUST FINANCE CAPITALISM ON DYALYSIS?
by Jonathan Burns, Jr.

9 October 2008: In the past week we've seen stock market levels plunge at various capital based franchises around the world. That capitalism itself is unstable is a melodramatic understatement. Mood swings do not begin to capture the wild gyrations in how the "stock markets" are plunging, rebounding, plunging again and then rise to float in the afternoon somewhere far below where they sat at 9 a.m.
Given that the very term "stock market" originated in the cattle auction yards of America it could easily be remarked that capitalism is beset by a wild new strain of mad cow disease. The staggering around, the falling down, the struggle to stand back up, the deaths, the recycling of failed companies and banks into the feedstream of the others is all reminiscent of unregulated mad cow syndrome.

AMERICA, OUT ON BAIL
by Henrietta Bundlebuggy

7 October 2008: Last week corporate America got out on bail -- but not on its own recognizance. An historic bail was posted by the citizens of America ($700 billion plus). Americans have long prided themselves in being among the most generous humanoids to walk on the face of Mother Earth. This bail offering exceeds any previous charitable donation in American history. It also broke all of the previous cultural norms of the free enterprise system and its basic tenets of "survival of the fittest."
From Bush to Biden and McCain to Obama the elected representatives of the people looked very serious (even almost distraught) as they acknowledged that action had to be taken no matter how unpalatable it might be. But it wasn't their money so what the fuck would they care. Well they didn't actually say that out loud in public but it did make it easier for them to put up the bail.

APOLOGIES TO ALL WHO VOTED
by Benjamin Huffington III

6 October 2008: I applaud all of you who voted on the naming of my new magazine. While there were no actual votes in favour of "The Lunatic Gazette" it has been forced on me by He Who Hides In The Shadows. My vote went to Weep! but I do understand and sympathize with those of you who lobbied for We We and for We/Oui. (I must note that the one vote cast for "The Lunatic Gazine" was disqualified on the basis of a perceived conflict of interest. This matter is, unfortunately, now the subject of an appeal and will likely be tied up in legal tangles for some considerable period of time. If the appeal is successful we may be required to change the name of our new online zine. In the meanwhile The Lunatic Gazette it is.)

BIRTH OF A NEW MAGAZINE

5 October 2008: I've always been pretty close to regularly straight and honest with you, my readers. Well perhaps "always" is a bit of a stretch but close enough to the truth to get by. On the internet that's as good as it gets. And to begin I want to clarify that "you" are not actually "my readers". You are people passing by and taking in some of what I write. That does not make you mine. You remain your own. At most for me you are readers of my words. That is what I thank you for.

TICK TICK TICK TICK

26 September 2008: A high quality placeholder while I, Underling, washed my face... always a very sensitive process. Well not really but I would wash my face if the remaining bits did not fall off into the sink and disappear down the plug hole. Waking after a few months sleep is always tedious but when the alarm goes off one must respond and my response will be crafted here over the next two years or less. Unfortunately none of you will be able to read it until its done which is just another of those things that suck but must be survived... my only suggestion is that in the meantime you find something else to read or do.

Sanity Claws ARKHIVES of the
one known as Underling,
R.I.P.: 17 January 2004 to 24 May 2008.

Dear Reader,
I do not ask that you consider anything you read or find here to have any particular relevance and nor do I care whether you enjoy what I present. It is only what I put here. For significance you'd better look elsewhere.

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